Journal Entry: December 3, 2020 5:48 a.m.
I had a good session with Deb (my therapist) last night, although I felt so scattered and all over the place with my thoughts. I guess that is the reflection my current mental state. I couldn’t, and still can’t articulate what it is I am struggling with. I’m unclear what is causing this “stuckness,” or lack of motivation, I feel. Or is it truly a lack of time? And/or energy? Am I stuck in Grief? Or am I using these as excuses? Is fear or truly a lack of time, that is keeping me from completing the things I want to create and put out into the world? And keeping me from completing my daily To-Do List?
I just had an idea… what if this conflict- (which almost feels like a split personality, this inner child/inner critic – the immature part of myself, the piece that hasn’t evolved and learned acceptance, compassion, sympathy, empathy- that SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS part of my being I’ve been working so hard to get rid of…. what if that is the part of me judging myself for not “doing enough” and getting things done?
And what if… the wiser, mature, compassionate, sympathetic, empathic part of me is saying “No, you don’t have the time.” “Rest is needed right now.” This is part of me that would give the grace, understanding, sympathy, help, and love to anyone else experiencing the same thing.
I just realized this drive to “get things done” to “hustle,” to produce, preform and kick ass… has all be reinforced by all the “self help” and “boss babe” gurus I have followed over the past 6 or 7 years. Anytime I think about how, when, or what I need to do to get things going, get thing done, to create, to just run a household, the advise most of these folks give is; getting up an hour or two earlier, or going to bed an hour or two later, keeping a detailed scheduling, blocking time, having a clean organized house, etc… I completely agree with their advice of working out, keeping a tidy workspace, prioritizing… but seriously we all have the same 24 hours in the day, and the details that fill those 24 hours can be so different from person to person. And most of this advice is coming from women who have the support of a partner making a livable wage, that can support a family on one income, they have the time to devote to building a business, they can hire the baby-sitter, or someone to clean the house…. whatever it is. This is not my reality. These are not my guru’s. I don’t have the same resource as these folks, therefore my success can’t be measured by their success. My reality consist of a 35-40 hour a week job, a 7 year old, homeschooling, helping care of my uncle, maintain a house, and a million other things I have to do in the hours I am awake. The idea of getting up 1-2 hours earlier or going to be 1-2 later than I already do, is out of the question. My health is greatly impacted by not getting enough sleep, and I need to show up for my basic daily required responsibilities.
I can’t be in the #girlboss or #bossbabe club. And I feel judge. But who is judging me? Certainly not the Rachel Hollis of the world. My mean girl is judging me. My 13 year old bratty self, who is a judgmental, self righteous bully. She is judging me.
If I want to have a business, I know I have to put in the work. BUT it’s not just about the hustle. Is the time right? Is it the right season in my life? And here is where the anxiety lies. It is all wrapped up in TIME. I’m 43 years old, when will be the right time? I’m mid life. I maybe have 20 years left to work, how can I wait any longer? I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE. I can only take each day as it comes and work toward what I want to create. Focus that time on creating rather than achieving. I have to stop chasing GOALS and start creating IDEAS. Goals are bound by limits and endpoints… ideas are a constant flow of evolving creation.
Then what is it Jen, that you want to create???