The greatest magic I have ever created, are my boys. My first son I had at the young age of 19, I didn’t know how much I needed him to anchor me into this world.
My second son- 16 year later, I wanted so desperately. I wanted to experience motherhood again, and be the mother I didn’t get to be, because of lack of experience, resources, patience, and priorities. I wanted to savor in the moments that flew by and experience life through the eyes of a child again. I was blessed with a raging ball of fire. A reflection of my own passion, fire and rage.
Both experiences of being a mom couldn’t be more polar opposite. Both just what I needed to heal myself, the world, and the patriarchy.
When my first son came into the world, I was only 19. I had no expectations, no idea of what I was doing, and no plan… I was in survival mode! I sacrificed, work 3 jobs at some points and gave everything I had to make sure he was cared for and felt loved.
My second attempt at motherhood with the arrival of my now 6 year old son, I had grand vision of how I would be a stay at home mom, making sourdough bread every day, following a Waldorf Inspired Rhythm, homeschooling my wild child, starting a homestead, and running a business…. But none of that has come to fruition. The fact is, I’m still in survival mode! I still have no idea what doing?!? My boys couldn’t be more different in personality and temperament.
I trust that my love for my children is so completely pure and full of the best intentions, and that I am exactly the mama they need. Whether they are 6 or 24. The mistake I’ve made, the challenges I’ve faced, and the triumphs I’ve experienced, set real life examples to my children of gratitude, success, grace, patience, compassion and the strength of the human spirit. Motherhood is the most rewarding AND heartbreaking job. All the second guessing, the worry, the guilt, is all wiped way, when they wrap their tiny (or grownup) arms around you and tell you they love you. You fall in love a little more deeply and remember how blessed you are.
I don’t think I have ever experienced something so deep and raw as the love for my babies. Some days it cuts me deep, rips me open and tears out my heart. Some days it fills me up and then empties every ounce of energy I have. It pushes my boundaries, softens my edges and make me feel so expansive. I am so beyond blessed and grateful to have been chosen and trusted to guide their souls through this journey of life.