~September 11, 2019~
Today I was filled with rage and anger, when I should have been excited and happy, because I was going to see my all time favorite man crush- Sebastian Bach. At first I really didn’t understand where it came from. It all started with getting to work this morning, a car accident occurring in front of our building and the cars were parked in the office parking lot. This is a regular occurrence so I didn’t think anything of it. A little while later a police office came in to ask if one of the cars could remain in the parking lot, which I said was fine, but had to be moved by before the end of the day.
I go back to work, and I’m feeling the anxiety and rage a little more intensely. Doing billing for a chiropractor isn’t a super stressful job, but when you can’t get your questions answered and people aren’t doing their job, it’s so frustrating. And knowing that I was going to see my favorite rock god, with no money- I was feeling the anxiety. I was still waiting for billing payment from 2 months ago. I HATE having to ask to be paid. I am soooooooooo very uncomfortable doing this.
A few hours into work, a young guy comes into the office with I assumed his mother. He said he was the owner of the BMW that was in the accident. That’s right… some 17 year old kid is driving a fucking BMW. While I am busting my ass, working for barely above minimum wage, running an office, doing billing, assisting with patient treatment, and knowing the ins and outs of the office. He probably makes a buck or two less than me working at Taco Bell. – And this is the story that is playing in my head. All assumptions! I don’t know why or how this 17 year old kid is driving around in a 2 year old BMW. AND it’s none of my god damn business!
On my way home I got a message on my phone that my Ez Pass is delinquent. I am so angry at that point, I could have set the rain forest on fire with the rage I was feeling. I began to think about needing to put money on this account, and the $400 dentist bill, and a $350 medical bill that needs paying, plus my student loans and my car payment are due. And I REALLY wanted to get a Sebastian Bach tank top, because the last several times I have seen him, I have not purchased a shirt. But I don’t have the extra money to waste of a t-shirt. I begin thinking about last year going to see Sebastian, and wanting a bottle of water. My partner would not go get me a water. All I wanted in the moment, was to be taken a care of. I am always taking care of everyone else; him, our son, his daughter, the office, the patients, friends, family. I just needed for one night to feel loved and cared for, and that my needs mattered too. Sure he offered to pay for the water, but I would have had to climb over a row of drunk men, and also share the water with him. This was one of several pivotal moment in my relationship with him. I hand one foot out the door and I was done.
The past several years have been a struggle between us. But that night at the concert, almost sealed the deal to the end of our relationship. I guess for several months it did. I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, or what I wanted. I just knew I wanted to feel respected, loved, not someone maid, or guaranteed bed buddy, and that night, I just wanted a FUCKING WATER!!
That was it…. the light bulb went off in my head. I wasn’t anger that this 17 year old kid was driving a BMW, or the insurance company couldn’t get their act together, I wasn’t mad at the highway authority. I was mad because I am so undervalued. I’m undervalued in my job, my relationship with my partner, and most of all I undervalue myself. I realize that if I don’t start valuing myself, none of these other relationships will change. It’s time to set my boundaries, and claim my worth, and buy that Sebastian Bach tank top!
Things between my partner and I are so much better. We are doing our best at practicing voicing our needs and wants, and doing our best to address them. We’re making progress, but still have work to do. Relationships are work. They are so much work! (Bored out of my mind teenage eye roll?) But when I step outside the moments of anger, frustration, bitterness, resentment, and pain, I see the years blended into a beautiful life, and it’s all worth it. We are both learning and growing, and as long as we both agree to put in the work on ourselves and our partnership, we can only improve our relationship and connection. Rage, anger, passion, love and all.
*Funny thing when karma shows up…. it gives you pink shirts. I don’t like pink or look good in pink. They only had pink women’s tank tops*