I Suffer from Brokenness

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You can’t budget your way out of debt, with an income deficiency. Just like you can’t live a fulfilled life, full of self doubt, shame and fear.

~May 14, 20219~

I am a 42-year-old woman, a mother of two, a partner to a man-child, and a stepmom 17-year-old girl.  I currently manage a chiropractic office, working between 30 to 35 hours a week and making $23,000 a year.  I am broke! I’m $68,000 in debt.  No savings, and MANY failed attempts and best intended plans to get out of this mess.

I AM BROKEN- financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually…. I’m just broken. COMPLETELY BANKRUPT!

When I was a teenager and into my young adulthood, I dealt with my pain by writing.  I loved writing.  I wrote songs, poems, and most of the time I just journaled.  Journaling has always allowed me to get back to my roots and the core foundation of who I am.  From there, I can pick up the broken pieces and glue them back with glitter glue and sometimes duct tape- I am from Aroostook County after all.  For me, writing use to be such apart of who I was.  Dare I say, back before the internet, or personal computers!!   

My journey through this “midlife crisis,” “identity crisis,” “soul crisis,” “my dark night of the soul,” “I’m so broken I don’t know what to do crisis.” Whatever “this” is-  I’m tired of hiding my pain, my shame, guilt and mistakes. I am owning them and correcting them. I am ready to take responsibility of my own life,  heal myself, find myself, and put my life back together. To create a life of happiness, joy, abundance, and self-worth. To stop feeling that I owe somebody a clean house, sex, a home cooked meal, and managing a family all on my own.  To stop feeling guilty that I am not doing enough at my job, or I can’t get things to flow, or organized for someone who can’t make a decisions or doesn’t want to change.  To stop putting my energy into someone else’s dream and channel it into my own.  

Feelings are going to get hurt and people are going to get pissed off.  That is what happens when you set boundaries and you speak your truth.  But I’m done!  I’m done micro managing my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, behaviors, and reactions so that other people don’t get pissed off, annoying, put off, or inconvenienced.  And I’m done with the idea that I can’t have wild outlandish dreams or that I don’t have the right to change my mind! 

I’ve been listening to Brene Brown‘s work on vulnerability lately, and have felt called to share my story.  Sharing the intimate details of my life is so scary.  Feelings and asking for what you want, were not hot topics in my house growing up.  So this is a new unexplored territory for me.  I was  taught, “you get what you get, and you’re thankful for it,”  and ” you don’t talk about your pain, shame,  and mistakes.” That mind set has left me to believe that I must settle.  Settling for not making a livable wage, settling for a relationship where I’ve become a surrogate mother, instead of a partner, settling for guilt of not being able to do it all, settling for “this is just the way it is, and I should be happy to have a roof over my head.”  Fuck that!!!!  

I truly believe I came into the world broken.  I have always felt lost, not enough, shame, guilty, unworthy, and afraid.  I’ve never felt like I fit in, and part of me has always OK with that. I didn’t and don’t mind standing out, doing my own thing, or being a rebel.  But that also left me feeling shameful and guilty for disappointing my parents and those that love me, for not following the path of what they believed I “should.”  I’m not sure where I let go of my power? Or if I ever even owned it?  But I’m tired listening to everyone else’s opinion on how to live MY life and what will make me happy.  It’s time to take ownership of my dreams, feelings, finances, clutter, and power.  No more “I’ll get my shit together tomorrow.”  No one is promised tomorrow.  It’s time to get my shit together NOW and create a life that my soul on fire! Maybe sharing my journey will help another woman going through something similar.  I know I’m not the only one.  I’ve spoken to so many other women, and so many of us are suffering from the same thing- BROKENNESS!

 

 

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